My response: I’m so sorry to be taught of the dying of your ex-husband a month in the past, and the way terrible that it got here at a time if you had been present process main surgical procedure. I’m certain your restoration from all of this—each bodily and emotionally—has been tough to say the least.

I feel it’s necessary to know that when dying follows divorce, individuals expertise a “loss upon a loss.” I don’t know the circumstances of your divorce or whether or not you and your ex-spouse had resolved the dying of your marriage. What I can inform you is that the reactions you might be having (shock, disappointment, loss, ambivalence) are by no means uncommon when an ex-spouse dies.

For starters, you’re in an ambiguous position right here: though you’re now not married to this man, he’s nonetheless the daddy of your youngsters and your relationship with him continues to be important, if just for that purpose alone. As a result of you haven’t any authorized entry to medical data, you might not really feel absolutely knowledgeable in regards to the nature and circumstances of his dying and, if you attended his funeral, you might have felt neglected or very misplaced. As you will have noticed, in a state of affairs corresponding to this, your mates don’t know what to say or learn how to reply, they might not be very useful or supportive, and so they could say some very insensitive issues to you. Since you can’t publicly mourn this dying with out explaining your divorce, you might be reluctant to hunt non secular assist. Should you’re employed exterior your private home, definitely your employer won’t offer you time without work from work for this, which solely provides to your sense of disenfranchisement, as if in case you have no “proper” or purpose to grieve this loss.

How your sons react to this dying will rely on their ages, coping types, relationship with the non-custodial mother or father earlier than and after the divorce, and their response to the divorce itself. They’re in a tough place too: In the event that they mourn the dying of their dad, they might really feel disloyal to you—and if they don’t mourn, they might really feel responsible for not feeling or expressing their loss. In case your sons are harboring any adverse emotions in regards to the divorce, you might be the goal of these emotions, too.

I say all of this to you in an effort that will help you acknowledge that in reality an actual loss has occurred right here, and it’s regular so that you can be reacting with actual grief. Actually not each ex-spouse will expertise the identical reactions; there are numerous variables that can form anybody’s response to loss. Nonetheless, since sometimes ex-spouses have such restricted social, familial and non secular assist, you might discover it very useful to vent your emotions within the supportive and nonjudgmental atmosphere {that a} grief assist group or a couple of periods with a bereavement counselor would offer.

I commend you for in search of group assist to your boys, however understand that the easiest way you may assist your youngsters with their grief is so that you can deal with your individual grief too. So I hope you’ll think about contacting your native library, hospice, mortuary, church or synagogue to see what bereavement assist companies can be found in your group—for you in addition to to your boys.

You aren’t alone; there may be good assist “on the market” simply ready so that you can discover it, and I want you all the perfect.

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