Good morning.

We’ve all had plenty of laughs right here through the years, however it’s essential to cease once in a while and think about the much less lucky amongst us. Take into account skilled bike owner Lachlan Morton, who has been pressured to undertake his outré publicity stunts endurance rides on a shitty disc brake Cannondale with a silly battery-powered derailleur:

Which he was pressured to shift with a spoke:

Like so:

So principally a Campagnolo rod shifter:

In fact this isn’t the primary time Morton has been undone by his gear, and two years in the past he made headlines when his plastic biking footwear began bothering him and so he rode the Tour de France alone whereas sporting Birkenstocks:

The Fredly media retailers specifically had been astonished, as till then it was broadly thought-about inconceivable to experience a bicycle whereas sporting sandals.

Anyway, given this, it’s tempting to think about the kinds of pointlessly troublesome heroic rides Morton would be capable to full if solely he had entry to correct gear and never the throwaway crap his sponsors make him experience. That’s why I’m beginning a fundraising marketing campaign to purchase Lachlan Morton a good bicycle:

[Photo: Rivendell]

Good for every little thing from Grand Tour race banditing to transcontinental gravel slogs–and simply restored to full performance in minutes with solely the contents of your Banana Sax:

[Photo: Rivendell]

With that bike, that bag, a multitool, some spare cables, and a pair of respectable sandals, he received’t even want a sponsor anymore and he can ditch the SRAM-Pon bike endlessly:

[Once u-Pon a time these were different companies.]

So click on beneath and provides generously:

Thanks.

Talking of roadies in misery, it was solely this previous spring that the Nationwide Biking League represented the “future {of professional} biking:”

Effectively…possibly not:

However the excellent news is at the least the riders who had been laid off should alternative to “purchase fairness within the firm:”

Now, I’m no businessman, however shopping for fairness in an organization so fucked that not solely can’t it afford to pay your wage however it additionally wants all of your gear again doesn’t appear to be a very shrewd monetary choice. However I assume “You’re fired, can we’ve some cash?” doesn’t have the identical ring to it.

Lastly, I don’t usually open the mail bag right here on the weblog, however after I do you possibly can ensure that it’s value your time and a focus:

Pricey Bike Snob,

Since summer season started, I’ve been using by the beneath Victorinox advert, positioned down close to the south finish of the Nice Hipster Silk Street, and questioning what use case it represents. Yesterday, I handed it on foot, so I finished to take a better look and… I nonetheless don’t know. I believed that possibly, together with your unparalleled grasp of the biking cultureways, you’ll be capable to inform me what’s happening right here.

Is it a mixture can opener and chain software? A way for prying a 12-speed chain from between the cogs of an 8-speed cassette? A brand new, experimental Rene Herse Ferdi Kübler-edition derailleur? I like Swiss Military knives, however to me they’re like WD-40: fantastic issues with a mess of makes use of, few if any of which apply to bicycles. I believe I have to be lacking one thing. Are you able to shed some mild?

Lightlessly, your reader,

Adam

Firstly, with regard to the so-called “Swiss Military Knife,” I’d put forth that its uselessness goes effectively past bicycles. It’s merely an assortment of awful instruments that preys upon the absurd human delusion that we’d in some way discover ourselves in a state of affairs wherein or lives depend upon concurrently choosing our tooth, submitting our nails, and opening a bottle of wine. (And good luck opening that wine with that stubby-ass corkscrew.) As for what the hell the disembodied hand is doing to that bike, let’s take a better look:

That is certainly a vexing thriller, however my finest guess is that the rider is utilizing the bottle opener attachment (“I’m dying and I have to open a bottle of Mexican Coke. DOES ANYBODY HAVE A SWISS ARMY KNIFE???”) to be able to raise the chain onto a series hanger earlier than eradicating the wheel:

In fact I can’t ensure, however I like this concept as a result of, like a Swiss Military Knife, a series hanger is one thing that looks as if a fantastic concept however that you just by no means truly use. Like, I do know at the least a few of my bikes have a series hanger, however I couldn’t start to inform you what number of as a result of I by no means truly use it–even the garments hook in THE CAR THAT I OWN appears indispensable compared. So, given the vested curiosity the Swiss have in perpetuating the false notion that their eponymous Military Knife is one thing you must have with you always, in addition to their well-documented propensity for maintaining their arms clear [see: numbered bank accounts, money laundering, etc.], I posit that the disembodied hand is hanging a series on a series hanger with a Swiss Military Knife while avoiding sullying itself with chain grime.

However I’m open to different concepts.